English version of: https://loscittorevolante.wordpress.com/2021/02/09/perso-nellapatia/
It’s like I’m in pain, for misssing something.
But I’m not in withdrawl.
I felt like this before. I never liked it.
I don’t care anymore about anyone and anything.
I’m heartless, emotionless. And I live of those thigns.
Without them I feel dead.
I wonder if abcence of emotions, it’s an emotion as well?
And not taking a choice, or being without one,
it’s a choice?
So many philosofical questions in my life.
I always wonder what is the right thing to do.
Sometimes I think is “whatever makes me feel good.”
Other times, I sacrificed myself for some sort fo “greater good”.
It can happen that any choice I’ve made…doesn’t pay good.
the result it’s bad. Very bad. Shit.
I feel so empty.
I have no idea if feeling empty it’s any good.
They told me it will make me stronger, mature.
But if I consider myself as a fruit,
I think I could be with no flavour at all, or acid.
This fruit has nothing to offer.
It’s like my blood was drained out.
Anyway, I can’t be in a way that I’m not.
I’ve tried, I will probably try again, but…
Never as you want me, never in your way, but mine.
Never like you.
For my strong nature, or my will and heart.
Or just because thinkign in another way, makes me feel like I’m lyingto myself.
And I don’t want that.
What can I say? Nothing, probably.
I only hope it will pass soon,
maybe I should learn to let things and people go,
renounce to the ones that I love(d).
And my emotions.
I’ve already knew that,
But I didn’t like the lesson: I beleived it could be
in another way.
I didn’t want to do what I’ve leanred.
Until now, that I’m forced to.
I don’t want to surrender to apathy,
Emotions always led me to something.
Something to do, to believe.
I won’t change if that means to change my true essence.
Nobody really got it, I think, that’s sad.
Neither from people that are conviced of that fact.
I accept the consequences. Togheter with the fact that I’m paralyzed.
Can’t keep going with what I truly believe.
What I have inside it’s what matters the most.
It’s not with other people’s choiches and experiences that I will grow.
We need to have our visions of the world and our lufe.
Sicne our life it’s the most important thing, that belongs to us.
And only we know it better that anyone else does.
And what is the real right thing to do.
” Look at the shell that is you
Empty, fragile, weak
Soon the battle is over
Lost to apathy …”