Losing Faith/Cynism.

Italian version: here.


How have we become, after all? What are we, today, after the world, life, people have disappointed us several times?

I no longer feel anything inside me, except an extreme rationalization, almost almost, I am becoming, or I have become what someone expected me to have already become:

a person with so much impatience, drasticity, realism, and cynicism.

I hardly feel any feelings anymore, I can’t anymore …

I’m becoming so practical: if you’re okay with it, otherwise Fu*** off, in short.

And I am bored by people who have too many problems, as I did, by now I have become, or am becoming “one of them”, a Sith.

Seriously, I realize how, by now, I feel more “empty”, or perhaps, more full of other ways of living and thinking, rather than before.

However, I do not know, I have never considered such ways, “mine”. I almost don’t recognize myself anymore, yet it’s still me, I got this far, but I often ask myself: “how the fuck did I get there?”

In the end, I know how, even if I never fully understood it.

However, I almost have a “fright” to find myself in this way, so untypical, so detached, so … “not me”.

And it is something that makes me a little uncomfortable.

And, I also see other people, affected by this … “loss of faith”. By now, they have become so disappointed that they cannot make progress.

But, I wonder, is this right? Put the heart aside in the safe?

You cannot live halfway, only with a part of you, only with rationality: I aim for balance.

Those who say they do not believe in love, those who think that people like me, the “emotional” ones, are wrong, have not understood many things.

First of all, it is not certain that being sensitive is synonymous with a lack of intelligence, an idea that seems widespread: as if having periods of prevalence of feelings (another imbalance, I admit), is also synonymous with great ignorance.

I think it is good to have a balance between brain, heart and instinct, always listening to all parts of you, all with their needs.

Speaking of a certain hunger, one could trivially say that:

The brain is hungry for knowledge, for knowledge,

the heart is hungry for love,

the instinct of our most physical, “bestial” part. The most physical part of hunger: eating, survival instinct, and the desire to have sex, that’s it, you know…

I think it is necessary, in a relationship with another person, to have all these things, but, above all, to relate to ourselves.

For this reason, in some way, I worry when it happens that I feel without one of these things, you can get out of control, as has already happened.

However, the balance is very difficult.

If you go through times when “you don’t fit one”, you start to lose confidence, even if you keep doing it, do you ever feel like… “something is missing” in the end?

You can’t live halfway, I repeat. I don’t think it’s life, the one lived with (often useless) limits. We should be freer.

But I believe that the way in which today’s society has changed is contributing to the destruction of belief in a future, in something more substantial than the eternal present that we feel “forced” to live.

So, we could also say that love does not exist, that there is only “pussy and cock”. That God does not exist, he may be, but we must not live without believing in anything.

At least, do we believe in ourselves, or don’t we? For the rest, we are left with almost nothing in hand.

And I who talk so much, with these facets between coldness and heat, the desire for something “warm”. Between rationality and emotion, I realize my ineluctable humanity.

In short, between believing and not believing.

I realized, that if I turned off my emotions, or repressed them, it would be like not living. It’s not that different from how I lived before this… “Awakening”.

Perhaps, to be completely at peace with oneself, something will have to be kept, perhaps, “extreme cynicism” is Dr. House stuff, perhaps.

And instead, if you are not careful, you could end up in a totally detached way from our real personality.

And this really scares me: feeling dead, empty, alive.

More than anything else, more than any fixation and / or obsession. I see other people who have become, or are becoming that way.

Of course, rationality is useful, but like everything else, it must be handled with care, not to rely on just one thing, or just one need.

These people strike me, they make me … well, almost pity. Thinking about how, perhaps, before what disappointed them happened, they lived a little, they believed it a little.

And I, I want to try to continue living, seeking balance.

Now, I realized that I too am capable of being cynical … but, like other times, I have a great fear of this awareness


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